“DOS AND DON’TS” FOR PASTORS DEALING WITH AN UNWED PREGNANCY IN YOUR CHURCH
This Viewpoint is a companion piece to the Theologically Speaking podcast episode posted February 17 with hosts Sam Horn and Stuart Scott.
Many pastors have received the call: an unmarried person connected to your church is pregnant. It may even involve a ministry leader or his family, as in a recent high-profile case a pastor has been open in sharing.
In II Corinthians I, Paul writes of “the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
But how do we as pastors effectively deliver that comfort and help guide the couple involved, the family and even our congregations through the often painful journey? Here are some “dos” and “don’ts” from our own experience.
DON’T Try to Solve Everything Immediately with a “Grace Dump” …
But DO “Hear the Matter” First
We’ve all done the “grace dump:” pastors bring the “grace truck” to a counseling situation, push the lever, and just overload distraught church members with “Bible promises.”
But this truckload of grace can be overwhelming for a frightened, guilt-ridden and broken-hearted person trying to work through questions like, “What will happen to me/my daughter/my son? Should they get married? Can they go to college? How will we raise this child? What will people think?”
Yes, we offer the comfort of Scripture (more on this below). But the Proverbs 18:13 truth – “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” – is doubly applicable in a counseling situation.
Is the mother or father unsaved? Spiritually mature? Are they unequally yoked? What is the family dynamic? Was something untoward or even criminal involved – a 30-year-old man with a 16-year-old girl? Is the mother considering abortion?
The answers will affect your ability to provide hope and assurance through the sufficiency of Scripture – or to know whether some other action is required, like involving authorities, or a call to a pregnancy center before the wrong action is taken.
DON’T Acquiesce in Blame-Shifting …
But DO Encourage Each Person to Confront Sin and Fear and Experience Renewal – One Thought at a Time
A natural tendency – encouraged by modern secular psychology – is for children to shift blame for their actions onto their parents. And parents often accept this responsibility, dwelling on times they “blew it.” It’s a wide-open opportunity for Satan, the Accuser, to attack at their most vulnerable.
Ezekiel 18:20 underscores the principle that each person is responsible for his or her own sin: “The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for the iniquity of the son.”
The couple involved must be encouraged to confront and confess their own sin. As for parents, Stuart teaches a lesson renewing the mind, one thought at a time.
Encourage parents to write down the self-accusatory, anxious, fearful and “what-if” thoughts. Maybe it’s remembering an action a parent took to drive a daughter away. Or fear that a son’s responsibility will disqualify a leader from ministry.
Then take each concern and see what the Bible has to say about that subject. Come up with a new, renewed thought, talking to oneself from the truth of Scripture. And then, if necessary, confess one’s own sin and accept God’s forgiveness.
DON’T Counsel Out of Harsh Legalism … But DO Counsel in New Testament Grace and Hope
Some pastors and/or church influencers seek to apply Old Testament law – e.g., “If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall … make her his wife” (Exodus 22:16) – or New Testament principles narrowly and harshly – “an overseer… must manage his own household well” (1 Timothy 3:1, 4).
But what if the father and mother are “unequally yoked?” (2 Corinthians 6:14)? Or parents did everything right, but the child was willfully disobedient? Under New Testament grace, the couple possibly shouldn’t marry, and the father’s qualifications probably shouldn’t be judged on his daughter’s deliberate misbehavior.
Meanwhile, the Bible is replete with hope for believers experiencing trials. Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20 remind us that all things work for good for His elected and that He can intend even sinful actions women and men engage in for good. Michelle Benson of Piedmont Women’s Center recently reminded Viewpoint readers that there is no such thing as a “crisis pregnancy:” we can’t look 50 years ahead and know how God will impact lives through an unborn child. We must believe that He can bring good in the lives of everyone who responds appropriately, repentantly and hopefully in His promises.
DON’T Think You Must Parade Those Involved before the Church.
Should the church-at-large be informed of the pregnancy? The truth: knowledge of the situation is unavoidable – but communicating it shouldn’t add further embarrassment and shame.
“Church discipline” does not require everyone engaging gross sin to stand before the church, if that person has repented and especially in the case of a minor. Rather, a pastor and elders should seek to provide a grace-based gospel answer that encourages the church to come around the family and have them feel ministered to – rather than so embarrassed that, as too often happens, they leave the church.
Most of all, DO recognize and communicate that the end goal is always God’s glory, in the form of changed lives.
The most important message for the couple, the family and the church is that God is in control and His goal in every situation is His Glory. The most important question: how can every one of them become more like Christ, or know Him in the first place?
In Philippians 3, even the Apostle Paul reflected on his regrets as a persecutor of the church. But with repentance there was – and still is – forgiveness and cleansing. And your congregants can say with the Apostle: “forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
